Along the Narrow Way: What's in the Name Theodore?

What's in the Name Theodore?

Some people gush about how they like that Theodore is a traditional name, and not "hipster." That makes me giggle. I'm not particularly traditional about names, while at the same time I just can't see myself relating to names like "Sparrow" or "Cypress." The other day a dear friend of mine told me she thought the name was for the chipmunk while her husband thought it was for President Roosevelt! I loved that. The guessing is fun. What's not fun is when people straight out ask, "Where did you get the name?" Well, it should be fun for me to explain! So many people don't understand though. See, it came from God, and my sensitivities find me fidgeting between confidence in my faith and not wanting to make people uncomfortable because their faith plays out a little different. I have gotten that look - that courteous smile with eyes saying, "You're off your rocker."

I want to share with people regardless, so I'm going to blog it, then lots of people can know at once. Never-mind that a blog means I can't see anyone get the "look" when they read this story! That sure is nice. Really though, I would tell anyone who asked me despite how uncomfortable it can be. Theodore is important and his name means something more than just a name to me.

Searching

There was once a time in an even younger period of my life that I practically despised children. I mean, they were cute when they smiled. If they were crying though - geesh did I think they were rotten little menaces. A bit harsh - I understand. However, this irritation toward little ones wasn't to be forever...

I had a hard time in my transitioning years between teen and adult. I think people tend to, especially in my generation, but I was having particular troubles just living a normal life. Dark things from my past hovered over me and I had unknowingly let them cloud me from who I really am. I believe God creates us with "basics" and sometimes mishandled trauma can make us loose sight of them. This caused me to always be searching for myself.
For my parents generation that wasn't such a halting thing to deal with. You just get yourself an honest living and keep aiming. God takes care of the rest as you go. My generation seeks authenticity in a different way. It's not that having a job isn't honest. It's that for us, having a job that is particularly suited to us is the best way to be honest. So, I was downright lost in that department - between friends encouraging me toward something I couldn't see and parental figures pushing me into a life I knew wasn't "right." Then also I had what the most of my generation has - wanderlust. I mean, we were always told we could do anything. As Christians were were told we can change the world for Christ. What exciting concepts! Yet traveling the world doesn't have to be more exciting than the adventure of life itself and being a leader in the Christian world isn't more important to God than bringing a co-worker to Him after years of "9-5" ministering. We are "fashioned in the womb" as individuals and our individual ways of life are equally important. We can't all be a particular "special," as it were, or the world wouldn't be kept running. The beauty that can be found in mundane life was not taught to my generation. We have to figure it out for ourselves.

My wanderlust had originally wanted to figure out some kind of college degree that worked for me (because it was expected) and then travel the world and serve others with a husband - maybe joined by one kid (at most two for the first one to play with if I got all motherly). How else would I satisfy this adventure-need itching away at me? I had to explore something! Truly though, what is greater than the exploration of God's mysterious love for us? This is a powerful thing which we can not understand. A lifetime of exploring God's grace and mercy is not enough to grasp why He cares a lick for us wretches - when the reality is He loves us so deeply He became our darkness that we may begin to understand His light. Instead of focusing on that necessary foundation, I was waiting for how he would lead me into this life I had planned because it was all I could make out for myself.

I did discover as I attended counseling sessions, however, that God desires to "search our hearts." I learned the joy of Him helping me remove the junk that blocked me from my "basics" and in turn discover myself in Him - my creator. One of his tactics of helping was to show me that Theodore was there with me all along. (This is the weird part many people don't understand). How he did that was no other way than through a vision! Yes. It's a real thing you can find evidence for in the Bible. God does occasionally give people visions. No, I don't get them all the time. No, I can't tell you your future. No, I am not prophet.

The Name

I was worshiping in a worship service; spending time reflecting on God's love with my eyes closed. The vision began as a story image in my mind - like a day dream. It's more than just "day dreaming" though because when the God who made the universe puts an image to your mind it also travels to your heart and soul, through your whole being, and out even beyond you. It has an "eternity" feeling and you know it's Him. Or at least that's how I know.

I saw a toddler. He had soft brown hair and he stood next to me as I was laying on a couch. I was maybe feeling ill or was pregnant, but the understanding was that he was concerned about me and wanted to help. Then I saw him as a teenager sitting with me in a kitchen and it was clear we were talking about something serious happening in his life. I knew then we would be incredibly close; that there would be a deep, special bond between us. Then this unexpected thing happened - I could feel him in my womb! Yes, quite strange. Of course, it wasn't real. It was a feeling God gave me so I could understand. I felt overcome with love and motherly affection. I'd never felt that before and it was very close to how I feel today with a baby actually in my womb. I held my stomach like I do now and I asked God what my little one's name would be. "Theodore" came to my mind.
Turns out, I was created to have children. I seriously doubted even wanting children before that very moment. One (maybe two). Then suddenly I'm going about telling people I want at least three of my own with the plan of adopting one or two. The mothering part of myself had been hidden by the darkness of my past and when God shone a light on it I had no other reaction but to let it instantly engulf me. The best part is the meaning of the name Theodore, however. I'd looked it up as soon as I could. It means, "Gift of God."

Theodore

Teddy is how I found my way (eventually) to quitting school for the life of housewifery. Not that a woman has to be a housewife to be a mother! For me this is what I believe is the best focus for how I now understand myself to be basically created, for the desires I have, and for the person I have become. This life I live is the "light" for me, the end of my anxious wanderlust and the understanding of who I am. Theodore is a huge part of how I began to find my way in Christ's love and how I am still finding my way. The peace of God surrounds me regarding both Teddy and the challenges of this life which Ian and I believe is the best way for us. You could say being a stay-at-home mother is my "calling." I think if you're going that route I'd say I'll have many different callings throughout my life. I have a knack for counseling. I'm naturally good at creating ways to make money. I do intend to be a published novelist one day. Though college is not right for me now, I do enjoy education. These are some of my basics, which God helped me to realize. I'm not only a stay at home mother. However, I definitely am and, though that idea had scarcely crossed my mind when I was younger, I find myself now fulfilled by it with purpose and authenticity not only in my growing perception of self, but also in the peace and light of God, which I understand more and more as I stand in this place.
I wasn't at all surprised to discover this baby in me is a boy because Theodore was a promise given me. I am so excited to hold him in my arms. See, God brought Teddy a little out of time for me so I could find him in my future.